


words fail

by v1ewmonster



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Dreams and Nightmares, Feelings, Fluff, Gen, Hallucinations, M/M, Memory Related, Mid-Canon, Pre-Dark Continent Arc, Pre-Relationship, Trans Kurapika, Winter, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29519937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/v1ewmonster/pseuds/v1ewmonster
Summary: Nothing you say's gonna push me awaySo don't brush it under the rug'Cause when we get through the struggleThat's when we level up(in which winter brings up memories, good and bad.)
Relationships: Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Kudos: 7





	words fail

**Author's Note:**

> this fic's title has had a serious identity crisis and so have i <3
> 
> hii i havent posted anything in a month!!! and thats due to school kicking my ass and not having motivation to write as a result!!! fdhjfhjd but seriously i had a huge bout of writer's block in january and wasnt satisfied w/ anything i wrote. that and i just,,, didn't have many good ideas??? but its okay now bc i Actually have something to post for this month  
> this fic is based off of how winter tends to bring up memories of the past, good or bad. and since krpk and leorio tend to keep a lot of (bad) memories close to their heart, i thought it'd make sense to make that the theme of the fic, tho its more of a backdrop than anything hdhsdf

The evening went as quickly as it came, and the sun withdrew into the starless sky. Snow descends without warning, taking residence inside stitches of fabric. The night is silent, save for a lone man’s breath. Most people are taking shelter from the night’s bitter cold. In Kurapika’s case, he just finished a grueling day at work running on nothing but coffee and the same determination that keeps him from giving up entirely. It’s what gets them out of bed in the morning even when he would rather spend his time staring at the wall until their senses go numb. 

Winter is his least favorite season. They hate getting struck by the freezing morning air the moment he steps outside (it’s too  _ early  _ for this shit). He hates it more when particles of snow seeps into their hair. There was never weather like this back at home; if only they could remember.  His coworkers' suggestion to let go is starting to affect him.  They should understand that it’s not so simple. 

In normal circumstances, they would be glad that nobody is around to see him contemplate in meaningless circles, or to see him almost trip over himself because they didn’t notice the patch of ice on his doorstep. But a pair of watchful eyes observe him at this time. Said eyes belong to the person he didn’t wish to confront. This encounter was inevitable, yet Kurapika did their very best to keep him at arm’s length... and look where that got them! 

“How about some coffee?” Leorio suggests. He doesn’t understand how in the span of a year, Leorio still has faith in Kurapika. “You look like there’s somethin’ you need to get off your chest.” 

It takes a while for Kurapika to respond. He’s already focused on walking to his apartment, the key in their pocket jingling with each step. 

“I reckon you’ve come far enough from your own apartment. It would be ill-advised for you to head back now,” They say. “I can make us some coffee and you can stay at my place.” Leorio doesn’t recognize the environment, so it would make sense if his apartment stretched beyond this place, a low maintenance area with infrequent scrutiny. 

Leorio rubs the back of his head. “You’re really letting me stay the night after you ignored my calls for so long?” 

Kurapika doesn’t reply. He’s sure that their reasoning is obvious enough, so there’s no reason to repeat it. 

They arrive at the front door. Kurapika makes a preemptive attempt not to slip on ice when Leorio is around (he wouldn’t want to trip anyway, but especially around him). He inserts the key and twists it until a click can be heard. 

Nobody greets them except the silence of Kurapika’s apartment. Leorio enters first, turning on the lights. 

“Nice place ya got here,” He comments.

Kurapika doesn’t say anything. His gaze is currently fixed on the coffee pitcher, twirling the keys in his hand. Leorio follows their gaze, then wonders what else he’s thinking about in that mind of his. It’s always hard for him to interpret their emotions; their facial expressions give little room for interpretation. And he’s so quiet today, too… 

“Now that I think about it, I might want some tea,” Leorio breaks the silence with his declaration. 

“Fine, then,” Kurapika says. He walks over to the coffee machine in preparation for a cup of coffee for themself. 

Leorio grabs onto his arm before he can pour the liquid into a mug. “Now how many cups have you had today? It’s late, you shouldn’t be drinkin’ coffee anyway.” 

“It was  _ your  _ suggestion, and even now, you’re drinking tea,” Leorio glares at them before Kurapika continues, “you  _ are  _ aware that it’s caffeinated, are you not?” He holds up three fingers. “Besides, I’ve only had three today…” 

Leorio gives up on reasoning with them. Though he’s right, he  _ was  _ about to tell them that tea has healing properties in comparison to coffee. Alternatively, those words are left unsaid. 

In a way, it’s relieving. 

“You may have changed a lot,” Leorio says, “but you’re really the same old Kurapika deep down, huh?” 

Kurapika gives Leorio the cup with a shaky hand. “Same old...? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Nothing, never mind...” 

Kurapika sits down on the opposite side of the table. His empty hands are clasped together, finding some kind of stimulation. 

“How are Gon and Killua?” Kurapika asks. “That is, if you know...” 

“I’m not sure,” Leorio says. “They’re prolly busy, so I didn’t even bother to contact them... and I’m not like you, who hides his location just so nobody can find him.” 

“I’m a very busy person, I’ll have you know.” 

“I know...” His mind alleviates the rising anger instantly. It’s hard to get mad at Kurapika when he knows what will transpire after. He’s not scared of them, simply of how he’d react if Leorio were to make a bold claim. 

The rest of the encounter is spent in silence. It was like Kurapika wasn’t even there. It’s hard to speak to them, in this state. The tense air prevents him from saying anything more, and he wonders if the same applies to them. They fixate on a certain part of the room, away from everything. 

Leorio stares down at his mug. The reflection that stares back is distorted, sheepish. It makes him not want to finish, but he doesn’t want to waste perfectly good tea that Kurapika took the time to brew for him. 

“Hey, Kurapika,” Leorio says. The corner of his lips forms a nervous smile. “There’s somethin’ I’ve been wonderin’ for a while now...”

“Go on.” 

“What are you goin’ to do after you collect the eyes? Have anythin’ specific planned?” 

“Good question…” He trails off when the inquiry’s context pieces together in his mind. 

This elicits a small gasp out of Kurapika, clutching his chest like there’s no tomorrow. It’s hard to respond when their heart is ready to crawl out of his chest. They don't have a conclusive answer. What are they supposed to say, that he wants to venture the entire world? That’s hard to do when... 

“...I don’t know,” Kurapika says. “I haven’t thought that far. I’m not sure where to go, what to do with myself...” 

“Well, you always have time to figure that out,” Leorio says, “so don’t worry about it.” 

Kurapika doesn’t say anything. He picks up his cup and places it gently in the sink (he’ll take care of the dishes later). Best not to think too deeply about it.

“You look tired,” Leorio observes, and Kurapika wishes he didn’t point that out just now. “It’s gettin’ late anyway… you should prolly go to sleep.”

“I don’t sleep.” 

“Try anyway.” 

Kurapika bites their tongue. He doesn’t know how to explain that he overworks himself to the point of exhaustion. Leorio wouldn’t want to hear such a hazardous fate anyway. He supposes they could  _ try.  _

“Oh, so you’re takin’ my advice?” Leorio asks when he sees Kurapika walk away from the table. 

“I’ll try, but don’t blame me when I wake up in the middle of the night,” Kurapika says. At Leorio’s puzzled expression, he adds, “you can sleep on the couch, I don’t mind.” 

The conversation ends at a forced conclusion. Kurapika walks toward the opposite end of the room. When he arrives at his bedroom, it takes more than fifteen minutes to fall asleep. 

Kurapika rouses from sleep, careful not to let his disturbance wake anyone. The contents of the dream linger inside their mind, albeit vague. Sleep is replaced with anxiety, a lonely anxiety that lasts for however long the moon rises. 

They can’t hear anything else, only their increasing heartbeat. He clutches his chest as tight as they can until he can’t breathe anymore. Their vision goes blurry when his breath escapes them, unsure if he’s falling back asleep or dying. 

A hand rests on their shoulder, but light enough as to barely feel it. Someone’s soothing voice attempts to comfort them, tells them to follow his words as closely as possible. He instructs them to breathe, but a sharp pang strikes them in the chest before they’re able to comply. 

Their heart races faster. Muffled sounds rush past his ear, something along the lines of, “Calm down, Kurapika!” But he can’t calm down. How can they calm down when a million things are happening around him? They can’t really focus on one thing… 

Leorio lets go of his shoulder. Kurapika’s arms fall to their sides, taking everything in. His senses return to normal, but his irregular heartbeat is a concern. It takes a while to concentrate his breathing.

“Care to tell me what happened?” Leorio whispers. “I was sitting near the window until you suddenly awoke in a panic.”

Kurapika looks up at Leorio. Flashes of red reflect in his eyes, and he distinguishes the source. “Just a bad dream… nothing important.” 

“Must’ve been some dream if it affected you like that…” 

Kurapika sighs. Here he goes again, trying to  _ help  _ them. Hasn’t he said for the millionth time that —

“—Listen,” Leorio says. As if he read their mind, he adds, “I’m not tryna find a permanent solution to your problems. Who knows how many times I’ve tried… I just think that telling me some aspects of the dream will help you sort out your feelings, and hopefully provide  _ some  _ relief, even if it’s temporary.” 

“Leorio…”

“Yeah?” Leorio scratches the back of his neck. 

“Nothing,” He dismisses. “Where do I begin… these dreams, they’ve been recurring ever since I dedicated my life to revenge. They’re never the same, but they have a similar pattern. I assume they’re going to take over until I achieve that goal, but…”

“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?”

“That and I don’t have time to.” 

“What are you talkin’ about?” Leorio asks. “You have all the time in the world.”

Kurapika rolls their eyes. “I have  _ work  _ to do, Leorio. You know that as well as I.”

“Right…” He would be acting out of line if he suggested a break to Kurapika. He  _ does  _ wish that he accepted the advice just  _ once.  _

_ “Other than that,”  _ They continue, “haven’t you ever looked down at your hands and noticed there was blood on them, so you go to wash it off, but the blood remains? Or when you hold a knife and watch the blood drip off of it as the body decays in front of you.” He stares at his hands as an example, his chained hand bare. “I knew it...” 

Leorio takes his hand, free of violence and anguish. He’s glad that they were able to vent, and he knows he can’t help him, but he doesn’t want to feel useless anymore. He wants to let Kurapika know that he’s  _ there  _ for them no matter what. 

"So, tell me,” Kurapika says, “what are you doing up?” 

“This is about me now!?” 

“I would rather shift the responsibility over to you than bask in the pressure of the spotlight.” 

_ Such a dramatic way of putting it…  _ Leorio thinks. He understands the sentiment, though. It got him thinking:  have people at work said similar things? It explains why he sounds so annoyed whenever Leorio proposes any form of relief. 

“I dunno, man,” Leorio says. “I just couldn’t sleep. Plus I was thinkin’ about things I haven’t thought about in some time.” 

“That friend of yours?” 

“Hit the nail right on the head.” 

Kurapika takes a spot next to Leorio by the window. “So you feel that way too…”

“What do you mean?” 

“Do you ever wonder why these things happen?” Kurapika continues. “Don’t you blame yourself?” 

It doesn’t take long for Leorio to come up with an answer. “I  _ did,  _ but I’ve learned to accept the truth over time. I’m sure that day will come for you, too.”

Kurapika laughs sardonically. “Okay.”

“I’m serious, Kurapika!” Now’s not the time to get angry. “See, this is what I’m talkin’ about… you never —”

“...it’s still snowing.”

Leorio stares at him incredulously. “What’s with the subject change?” 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

Both of their gazes are glued to the window. Layers of snow have replaced the once empty roads. The precipitation shows no signs of stopping in its plan to cover every nook and cranny. Only one thought lingers in their mind: it’s going to be  _ hell  _ getting anywhere tomorrow. 

“No wonder why I’ve been thinkin’ about the past lately,” Leorio says.

“Hmm?”

“The winter… it always reminded me of the past, and what I coulda done better,” He peels his eyes away from the window. “Don’t you think so?”

Kurapika solemnly nods. Winter always brought negative connotations to him. It’s not just the weather, nor is it the snow he has to shovel eventually; it’s the painful memories that stay with him until he’s ready to break. 

And Leorio can tell, through Kurapika’s silence, that he feels the same way. Despite being opposites, it’s something that they can bond over. 

Leorio ropes an arm around Kurapika until they stop him halfway. He tries not to let his discouragement show, but Kurapika notices immediately and utters an apology. 

“Guess I’m wastin’ another night of sleep,” Leorio changes the subject. “Watchin’ the snow of all things…” 

“Get used to it,” Kurapika retorts. 

“It’s fine,” Leorio says. “When I’m with you, anything’s tolerable. I’m sure I can pull  _ another  _ all-nighter…” 

Kurapika leans closer to him. Their shoulder blades touch, but the sensation isn’t overwhelming. It’s… relieving. He tries not to analyze the meaning of Leorio’s statement as their eyelids grow heavy. 

“You fallin’ asleep on me, man?” Leorio asks. He looks down to see Kurapika nestled atop his legs. He shakes them a little. “C’mon now…” 

“Mphhh…” 

“I was kiddin’ about the all-nighter thing,  _ please  _ let me sleep.” 

“Just—”

“Just what?  _ Carry  _ you to bed?” 

He doesn’t wait for an answer. Leorio picks him up by the armpits and heaves them over his shoulder, trying not to hurt him in the process. 

_ They must’ve been really tired, to fall asleep so easily like this…  _

Leorio gently places him on his bed; a bed that looks empty when unattended and bitter while Kurapika is hard at work. Perhaps they should revisit it sometimes, maybe it’ll work wonders. 

With that out of the way, he takes one last glance at them before returning to the couch. His meditative expression doesn’t falter one bit, and the storm that brews outside doesn’t interrupt their slumber. 

It reminds Leorio that, no matter how many winters have passed, those underlying feelings have never faded away. 

**Author's Note:**

> things to know ig  
> -kurapika is nonbinary in all my fics, even when he's exclusively referred to with he/him pronouns  
> -he's autistic too   
> -as always, leave a kudos/comment if u read/like this


End file.
